Get Your Bible Right

The Barre-Montpelier Times Argus just published an interesting letter that explains the cause of our troubles in the Middle East. The problem, as you may have guessed, is gay marriage. Muslims hate us because we cannot follow our own holy scriptures.

This is quite true. After all, the Bible says clearly that people who have gay sex, as with anyone who violates the commandments of the Lord, should be stoned. Some might think that lethal injection is a suitable substitute, but the Bible doesn't say "he shall be stoned, or put to death by whatever method is least offensive at the current time." I don't recall a single stoning in the history of America! And people call this a Christian country!

Now there may be some, modern revisionists and liberals and the like, who like to pick and choose their scriptures, but that's rediculous. What, did God get it wrong? Some say that Jesus said we were to forgive our enemies, and of course he did. But he also said very clearly that the Law laid down in the first books of the Bible was not to be abolised. Obviously, therefore, one must forgive homosexuals, and then one must stone them. Or the other way around. The Bible doesn't specify the order, so in this there is room for interpretation.

I say, let's stone some sinners. Then, I am sure, the Arabs and Persians will be so impressed with our righteousness they'll all confess their sins, buy televisions, and watch PTL. I don't know why no one has tried this before!